Relationship Rescue – we may be too late

Relationship Rescue - couple arguing

Relationship rescue is definitely what this post is all about, that’s what you’ve come here to read but first let’s get personal…

Normally I’d bet you hard cash, serious hard cash on being certain of my one main characteristic (most of us would, we know ourselves well enough). Easy ! Normally, I’d shout ‘Don’t take on that bet sucker because you’re going down in flames if you do’. But suddenly, distressingly I have found that my main characteristic has been rudely upended and it feels like someone else is squatting in my brain, someone else’s emotional molecules are  surging through my blood stream, someone else’s voice is screaming where mine would normally be… and it ain’t pretty!

You see, I’ve never actually sought any kind of relationship rescue. Lucky? No, I believe it’s because normally I’d say I was… placid – there I said it. It’s not a characteristic that’s seen as sexy or cool…like I care! But that’s me (always has been) placid, decent, open honest, – you know ‘nice’, up for getting on with people, making life fun and enjoyable, walking away from aggressive tossers of either sex because fighting is for stupid people who don’t want a resolution to whatever is so bloody important at the time… or so it was until now.

Because tonight… if you happen across my door tonight, I’d struggle to spit the word ‘placid’ through enamel ground-down teeth, through hyper-tension, puffy fish lips twisted with rage. Placid no more until this is sorted!

What the hell went wrong with relationship rescue advice?

Let me explain. There’s been a growing trend, a strengthening of one of the most ignorant, ridiculous and toxic accepted cultures that probably started out in insidious earnest while I was writhing around to pop songs in hideous 80’s frills, reeking of perming solution. Seemed innocent enough at the time – the frills and the lyrics that is. Yeah, yeah don’t you want me baby, whoo whoo… and other top notch, classy classics. Boys and girls trying to get it on, sometimes making it, sometimes not. Mostly nothing too  sinister, nothing too dangerous to the future of mankind. Most of us made it through the rah-rah years relatively unscathed. Not so our next generation and not so those out there now taking what they believe to be good and real relationship rescue advice. Somebody hold me back, hold me down because I won’t be responsible for the consequences…

Relationship rescue surely used to be the preserve of special agencies and qualified individuals set up to help counsel couples and singles? Well watch and learn because now I have no choice but to stand up and defend my like-minded decent, honest, straightforward, placid types who are being railroaded and denigrated by this latest trend.

Rollover Nostradamus!

Want a prediction? Here it is. 20 years on from this very day boys and girls will have taken the dangerous concept of the battle of the sexes to new heights, dizzying, vomit-inducing, vertigo-worthy heights because boys and girls won’t be talking any more. Not talking, dating, loving, sexing… not with any hope of ever actually having a relationship – lasting or otherwise. And it will be entirely due to the turning tide of rotten, stinky advice on how the hell boys and girls should treat each other!

Amazon Love and Romance Bestseller top 6 today

This is not a dig at any one of the books listed on today’s Amazon Bestseller Love and Romance list – no need because there are thousands more, all jumping on the bandwagon desperate to add to the mal-relationship advice that has rapidly become the norm, the accepted, wisdom – ah! Boy is mankind in trouble.

The relationship rescue fight is on. Bring it on!

Hop up on my counseling couch and explain to me how the hell you’re ever going to make out there in the relationship jungle with only the now ever  prevalent, bullshit map for guidance.

Let it all out in the comments below. We’re all friends here.

 

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How to be happy without meaning

How to be happy without meaning - Frankly below road signsYou’ve been searching for an answer to ‘how to be happy’ for years… way too many years it probably seems  to your maltreated happiness, seriously battered in many areas of life.

Well, rest assured there are plenty of ‘experts’ who’ve got an answer to oh so generously share with you – phew! Only trouble is the bulk of the answers are highly dangerous, toxic tosh that should never have been allowed in print without a severe medical warning for the health of your happiness – ouch!

Why you’re having to search for an answer to ‘How to be Happy’

A good case in point…

In a recent psychological study*, the researchers came to the following conclusion:
Our findings depict the unhappy but meaningful life as seriously involved in difficult undertakings. It was marked by ample worry, stress, argument, and anxiety…
one can also use our findings to depict the highly, happy but relatively meaningless life. People with such lives seem rather carefree, lacking in worries and anxieties…
these patterns suggest that happiness without meaning characterizes a relatively shallow, self -absorbed or even selfish life, in which things go well, needs and desires are easily satisfied, and difficult or taxing entanglements are avoided.

Hmm.. you see society and bods like this decry happy people as shallow takers, living meaningless lives of no importance to themselves or society – read the whole report if you want to check this out – it’s too boring and depressing to reproduce here and the counter arguments to their poisonous blatherings really need their own bookshelf, so I’ll stick to the relevant point: you have been swindled to believe that personal happiness is selfish and instead you need a life of ‘meaning‘. And that means not avoiding difficult or ‘taxing entanglements’.  Really, this is the key to why you’re struggling to know how to be happy which would otherwise be an automatic part of your natural repertoire in knowing how to charge  life down for the incredible everything that could be on offer. Doubt me? Check out your local kindergarten – how many happy, podgy,  sticky faces do you see seeking out difficult, taxing entanglements?

Happiness Rule for the Common Man No. 3

Happiness gets such a bad rap because swindlers hate what they don’t have
And any jackass who believes you need ‘meaning’ in your life to be  happy doesn’t understand the concept of ‘happiness’.

Fact: You’ve been fooled into believing because you’d really like to be happy, would love to go after goals and dreams that make you personally ecstatic, you are a shallow, vacuous, ungiving, conflict-avoiding boil on the ass of society. Because after all, miserable ‘meaningful’ people help others more than happy ‘shallow’ people, right? Pah! If you’re feeling happy and someone asks you for a donation to some worthy cause, are you more likely to flip them the bird than reach into your pocket? If you’re unhappy, stressed or anxious, are you in exactly the right frame of mind to be selfless, altruistic? Bollocks you are!

It’s no wonder you’re asking how to be happy because your life doesn’t stand a chance of panning out the way you planned, or dreamed of while this insidious bile is rampant in your thoughts, conscious or unconscious . How can you have any hope of executing an amazing plan or even starting out on an idea for something that would make you happy when you measure it against this ‘life should be meaningful’ propaganda swishing round your head? Before your motivation can even put it’s hand up, you feel so guilty that you aren’t trying to change the bloody world, (and have a really crap time on the way) that you don’t even start.

So here’s the Global Feel Good Company’s take on how to be happy:

Those miserable buggers always looking for meaning in their lives are the originators of all the drama in the world in the first place, not those seeking personal happiness. Then, having cocked life up for the rest of us, the swindling swine turn around and have the cheek to tell us ‘happy, live-and-let live’ types that it’s our responsibility to clear up the catastrophe they created. They thrive on these shenanigans to keep their unhappy lives ‘meaningful’. And the really ironic and infinitely infuriating part is they are exactly the wretches who have plenty of mal-motivation to keep creating oceans of chaos.
So for us happy types who don’t want to screw up everyone else’s life because of some huge twisted ego-trip, to stay happy you need to realize despite all the lies you’ve been told in school, in literature, in films and a million other places those pursing meaning are not a boon to society, not paragons of virtue worthy of emulating. Think about it, psychopaths have plenty of ‘meaning’ in their lives – that’s why many of them occupy positions of power. And people telling you directly, or indirectly, that you should be seeking ‘meaning’ in your life at the expense of personal happiness need pickling in their own ascorbic nonsense.

What are your deep psychological insights or superficial ramblings on how to be happy? State your findings in the comments below.

 

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*McGraw-Hill - Dictionary of Scientific & Technical Terms, 6E, Copyright © 2003 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. -  Some Key Differences between a Happy Life and a Meaningful Life - Forthcoming in Journal of Positive Psychology - Roy F. Baumeister,  Florida State University - Kathleen D. Vohs, University of Minnesota - Jennifer L. Aaker, Stanford University
 Emily N. Garbinsky, Stanford University

The Fear of Success – 6 Causes of Successphobia

fear of success - Frankly Frank with tabletsIt’s unlikely that we’ve met, really, that would be quite random but even so I’m willing to bet my dubious reputation that your fear of success, your successphobia is entirely down to a whole bunch of ideas that have been ‘thoughtfully’ dumped on you without so much as a ‘by your leave’. And they damn well cover everything in life, not just success. Really there isn’t a single subject some success swindling mongrel hasn’t stuck their damaging, dickwit opinions on – and infected you with. Particularly, I’ll bet there isn’t any area of success left unfettered by outrageously firm ideas based on crap, erroneous notions and sheer drivel from swindlers, liars, ‘well-meaning’ individuals and rogues. The bastards!

If you can’t in all honesty rank your life so far as a roaring success in your terms, there’s every chance you are suffering from an incredibly debilitating, potentially lifelong condition: the fear of success – either that, or you’re a complete pussy.

6 causes of the fear of success

  1.  Who the fuck do you think you are!
    Everyone ‘knows’ success only occurs for two types of people: the impossibly beautiful, unspeakably clever set or those born super rich with so many other advantages you and I could never hope to carry their bags. Thank God the media can make that super clear, super consistently – hell we couldn’t afford the membership… ever. Sarcastic, but not that far from the truth. Pick up any glossy magazine, turn on any car ad – we don’t fit the bill, never could. But if you tried to be a great success, there’s the fear of being found out for the ‘fake’ you are. Damn those swindlers have deep-rooted that one in our brains!

    And that links very closely with No. 2:
  2. Nearest and dearest
    There’s a strong chance that others wouldn’t understand at all what your idea of success is. Worst still, you fear the real danger, consciously or unconsciously, they’ll consider you a total jumped up jerk for thinking you could join the success set. After all, if you’re after that, you aren’t after what they’re after so what does that mean you think of them! Oh paranoia… not a bit! That’s probably the biggest reason behind the fear of success for most people. Ideas above your station? You bastard! Trouble is those swindlers who’ve contaminated you with successphobia come in all shapes, sizes and guises – many of them you would recognize as being friends and family if only that didn’t cause so much bile reflux!

  3. Fear of change – double-phobic – Boy are you in trouble!
    However far your current life is from where you’d like it to be, when you have your great life of success, clearly you won’t be able to carry on doing the same stuff, the same way with the same people because that would be the same life you have now… obviously! But what does this new life look and feel like? There’s a fear of change, a fear of the unknown and that leads to a fear of success – help! How on earth will you know what’s needed and how, just how the hell are you going to find out? And who will you know? How will you leave the old crew, the old homestead, the old, comfy, know-how-it-all-works life? Rampant successphobia!
  4. Looking like a butt monkey
    No one likes to admit or talk about them, but they’re out there – the butt monkeys. And you’re terrified of being one, most of us are. You’ve seen them. Disastrously unsuccessful types who tried but failed, tried but fell on their ass, looked like total jerks. Damn! You don’t ever want to feel like that… do you? After all, it’s not ‘Lives of the Failed and Stupid’ everyone’s rooting for, is it? And everyone tells you there’s no success without failure but there’s also no success for those paralyzed by successphobia.
  5. Bearing your soul, sister
    I’m no scientist, really I’m not the glasses-wearing, petri dish-licking type.  But I’m pretty sure you can’t be successful, in yours or anyone else’s terms, in a vacuum. Think about it. It’d be full of carpet mites and pubic hair! So no success in a vacuum, that means, and I’m going to say it here because it needs saying… you’re going to have to involve others to really have a successful life, your successful life, whatever that life includes. And if others are to be involved, you’re going to have to tell them your dream. Very ouch! They’ll probably laugh (in your face or quietly behind the curtains). Swindlers do that, a lot. They might challenge your idea, pick holes, demand a clearer explanation. Oh blimey, and then what if this great idea of yours didn’t pan out – some don’t. Some just don’t. You’ll have told them, told them loud and proud. Oh boy, are they going to have a field day. (Whatever the hell that is – really a day in a field? Farmers do it all the time, it’s not that clever). Either way, it’s bound to stoke that fear of success to confidence melting point.
  6. Action time!
    Okay, okay imagine you’ve actually overcome these first 6 causes of the fear of success.
    The successful life you’ve dreamed of, painted in glorious technicolor, managed to shout about (hell yeah! ) got others on board with is almost within your grasp. Ah, reality check! Now, dammit, there’s a seriously, ugly amount of tripe for you to drag yourself to go and do! Your innumerable list of unticked tasks is going to take a veritable forest of paper to scrawl down. Especially as your current life isn’t that demanding or scary, really I mean, you’re probably a bit out of condition for working all hours, striving, driving, thriving, constantly high-fiving. Action time? Ouch, that sounds very frightening indeed. No wonder you have a fear of success!

But hang on just a minute, remember we were going to find out if  you have a genuine fear of success or if you’re just a complete pussy? Well if you’ve fallen prey to all or any of the first 6 fears of success, then your successphobia is genuine, bona fide. They’re killer causes, they’re evil, insidious. But if you just fear taking action because it means getting off  your lazy butt and actually doing something towards getting to your version of Successville, then chummy, you are suffering not from the fear of success, not from successphobia but from the far more terminal condition of being a prevaricating, backsliding, waste of oxygen – you pussy!

But if you are suffering from the fear of success, if you’re a genuine Successaphobe, take heart – understanding your condition is the first step to managing and overcoming this cruel, cruel affliction.

Do the causes of the fear of success ring true with you? Do you recognize yourself as a Successphobe (or a pussy)? Put your hand up in the comments below and ask for help – we’re all friends here.

 

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The Road to Success and Endeavor – unhappy bedfellows?

Frankly Frank says…

Oh brother,  there’s a hideous amount of bollocks spouted about the Road to Success in ‘expert’ success manuals, programs, lectures and other outlets of  success-strangling  blatherings.

Tread carefully for they make no apologies for their dangerous toxic advice which, disastrously for your success, invariably includes the stock 101:  ‘Your success will be in direct proportion to your level of fight, endeavor, total tenacity, persistent perseverance, relentless resolution, endurance and do-or-die determination’bullshit!

Get real! Try following this toss and you’re guaranteed to fall right off the Road to Success, straight into the inevitable foul ditch of failure alongside and live a crap life of success burnout, surviving on nothing more than the effluent of your broken dreams that floats past you!

Road to Success… or Road to Perdition!

The reason is you most likely can’t cut the mustard. No sane bastard can! You simply can’t keep up that level of cretinous do or die freakdom. That level of endeavor lunacy is the preserve of proper nutters.

The road to success and endeavour - clown in snow

Arctic explorers are a good case in point. What drives anyone to trudge hundreds of miles across frozen arctic wasteland? What the hell is there in their persistently perambulatory whackjobbery that is worth emulating on your Road to Success? What kind of perverts are they? I’ll tell you – the kind who tenaciously like drinking their own urine, the kind who persistently like grueling hardship and gross discomfort. Weirdos like Scott who resolutely love snow and frostbite and polar waste, more snow and more frostbite and being eaten by polar bears and then determinedly buggered by seals.
People like him aren’t human, they should be taken apart for scientific experiments.

The road to success and endeavour - Frankly Frank on skisMind you, I do love arctic roll.

So are you determined to do a sharp U-turn away from endeavor evangelists on your Road to Success? Include your bumper sticker message to these success-murdering assholes trailing you in the comments below.

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Health and Safety Solutions: The definitive guide to childbirth in the workplace

 Health & Safety Solutions - pregnant woman

Frankly Frank says…
It is only a matter of time before those earning a nice living from intervening in the population’s unconscious daily attempts at ending it all, turn their attention to childbirth in the workplace. Obviously childbirth per se is highly dangerous, but in the workplace it presents particular opportunities for eagle-eyed, nanny state Health & Safety officers:

  • Slips & trips are a serious hazard, with the umbilical cord and placenta statistically presenting the greatest risks. The undignified ooze and seepage don’t help either.
  • The incidents of drowning from waters bursting is on the increase – all employees should be equipped with water wings.
  • Cutting your tongue on the stirrups and the resulting bleeding is a breeding ground for infection and the resulting amputation of the entire limb needs to be considered.
  • Lastly, food poisoning is the single most likely Health and Safety issue of childbirth in the workplace – remember, always fry the placenta for at least five minutes – and check before you start that the baby is no longer attached as this increases the cooking time.

Health & Safety Solutions - Frankly Framk eating manual

Could you cut the mustard? Are you Health and Safety Officer material? Over-exaggerate your relevant qualities in the comments below or recommend the best way to insert a health and safety manual…

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Success Rule for the Common Man no.10 – When Disaster Strikes

Emergency evacuation sign - when disaster strikes*
When disaster strikes, inertia sets in, chaos abounds and all hope of further progress seemingly dashed, you can always choose to give up.
After all, a life of endless disappointment is your right as much as anyone else’s.
*

When disaster strikes, what is your modus operandi (ponsy speak for what the hell do you do?): fold like a origami giraffe or rise to the challenge like a solid wall of steely intent? Or.. fall somewhere in between like most of us? This is Crunch Timeconfess in the comments below.

 

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Education-the battle cry of swindlers!

Always a hot subject, but can you make the grade in this week’s lesson?
*education, education, education - balckboard with 1+1=3*

Frankly Frank says…

13 years at school
5 GCSEs
2 A Levels
£25K a year
£33k in debt
What the fuck is that all about?

education, education, education - Frankly Frank at blackboard

Check out The Guardian’s view on How much is your qualification worth? (average wages compared) here

Homework time: in the comments below, detail your view of education in 300 words or less without using expletives or making reference to genetically mollified lungfish.  (80 possible marks)

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Thank God for Work!

Frankly Frank at work shouting at lowly pleb who is thinking "thank God for Work!"

Come on, it hits you every Monday – “Thank God for Work!” you cry over your fourth coffee and fifteenth fag before leaving the house.

The existence of work proves unequivocally the existence of a god – or at least a higher power. The majority of people would be lost in the wilderness without some structured activity to keep them from falling into a pre-Victorian savage-letting-mushy-fruit-fall-into-their-open-mouths kind of existence.

We must continue to cry ‘Thank God for Work!’

We must fight the noxious possibility of becoming contented, living-a-Great-Life-of-our-own-design savages at every turn and hope that our ally, the Government, never thinks of spending less than the country earns thereby being forced to reduce taxation as a result. The resulting horror of ordinary common folk being forced to consider the impossibility of actually not having to work to the grave and beyond is terrifying!

Just for the moment, however, I feel, we can all breath easy….

Frankly Frank at his overladen deskAppraisal time : Right you, in my office to explain yourself (in the comments below) – Do you regularly high-five at work and gratefully cry “Thank God for Work!” or are you too busy trying to set fire to your head in the  desperate hope they’ll send you home for being a potential health and safety risk?

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Demotivational Quote for the Common Man no.9 – Put your dukes up!

Frankly Frank in motivational martial arts pose“You have to fight through the bad days in order to earn the good days”

[Unknown]

Now see here’s the thing, this quote and countless others in the same vein seem very popular in that they’re everywhere that sorry cousin of small pox, self-improvement hangs out. But answer this: when you’re trying to chase down that fantastic dream and Great Life you want so much you could bleed, how motivated are you going to be by the idea that to succeed you’ve got to battle your hardest through all manner of pain, misery and misfortune to even be worthy of a few  days of fun and enjoyment? Not so motivated? Strange!

If you aren’t a sick puppy, desperate for a good, miserable time of it, try this alternative:

“You have to fight through the bad days in order to realize how shit they are and then go laugh through the good ones on offer round the corner that no on else seems to want.”

[Global Feel Good Company]

Are you a fighter, up for a good hemorrhaging all over your dream? Or do you think demotivational quote for the Common Man no.9 should be buried in concrete at the bottom of the Mariana trench to protect the fun and feel good people of this world? Vote ‘I love to hemorrhage’ or ‘Hands off the feel good brothers ‘ in the comments below.

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I am Important – Alternative Affirmation for the Common Man no.2

Frankly Frank in his 'I am important' pose in crowd

With all the pressures of life and the burgeoning world population, it might be that you are struggling to say ‘I am important’ with any conviction.

Thank fuck!

This alone could be the greatest bonus on your Road to Success and in chasing down your happy and Great Life. You see,  one of the major aspects of the great life swindle is the bullshit you’re fed about being unique and important, the bastards! Swindlers will butter you up with all manner of guff about how significant your little bunch of molecules are – more lies, vicious, evil lies!

 ‘I am important’ – pah!

This stinky crapfest has been keeping you unsuccessful and unhappy for too long. Rise up! Shout the truth loudly, madly with this Alternative Affirmation for the Common Man:

“I am important. Even though I am one of billions scuttling around this planet, I am definitely way more important than any of those other fuckers. I am not an ant, even though my ass does look like a bulbous ant’s and I do like discos… Okay, okay I am an ant! I am truly unimportant. I accept that I am just one of billions. I luxuriate in my unimportance and attract unimportance to me. Whatever I do will make no difference to the vast bulk of humanity, especially the dead ones. Therefore I can do what the fuck I like, including hunting down my version of a happy, Great Life – amen to that!”

Grab your megaphone and soapbox, jump up and loudly state your case in the comments below: are you proudly leading the ‘I am important, hop to making effigies in my likeness’ movement or are you contentedly scurrying along with the other ants, playing bulbous ass trumps?

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